Thank God, the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs is over. After another stupidly long regular season, we just had to watch eight teams, who had no business being in the postseason, bumble their way through seven-game series. Now, only the elite eight are left to rightly challenge for the Cup. The others never should have been there (yes, that includes Washington). So it’s time to send a memo or two to each of the clubs that just got punted in the first round.
Hey, Ottawa fans – your Senators once again proved that their run to the 2007 Stanley Cup Final was just a one-off. You’re never, ever getting’ back there again with the goaltending you don’t have. And have never had. And Daniel Alfredsson…not only can he not lead you clowns to a Cup, he probably couldn’t organize a team outing to the nearest IKEA.
Hey, Lou Lamoriello – Marty’s done. Finito. He got the shutout record, then shut it down. Forever. He proved it by trying to play a summer Olympic sport (baseball) during the Olympic Winter Games in Vancouver. It’s time to give some playing time to an up-and-coming netminder in your system. Ooooops, just realized you don’t have one.
Hey, Buffalo – enough with the “Ryan Miller this” and “Ryan Miller that.” How about, “Ryan Miller’s never won anything outside the regular season.” Yep, that’s about right. Now Buffalonians will just have to sit around, freezing, until the Bills open camp in North Tonawanda…or some other forsaken place.
Hey, Bruce Boudreau – are you enjoying trying to coach the world’s best player? Not only is Ovi not the best in the world, he’s not even the best on your bench, buddy. Boy, he sure did a hell of a job captaining his Caps to the biggest tank job in the history of Presidents’ Trophy winners. Atta boy, Ovi.
Adiós, Los Angeles – you had a good chance, too. Because the Canucks should not be advancing to the second round (no matter, Chicago will make quick work of them). At least we don’t have to look at those ridiculous black jerseys with the oh-so-creative “LA” on the front. Hasta la vista.
Hey, Predators – are you a decent team or not? Nobody knows. You’ve had several pretty good regular seasons – but have never advanced past the first round. Pekka Rinne might be the answer. But your forwards are not. You have some studs on D, how about getting some up front?
Hey, Colorado – try this…don’t start the season like gangbusters, then do the old tank-er-oo. You had 22 points in October alone. What the hell happened? Start strongly, finish strongly and look like you deserve to be there. And when you have the biggest playoff wimps in the league on the ropes, finish them off!
And Phoenix fans (you know, the two of you who aren’t bandwagon jumpers) – enough with the “feel good” story of the year. You know what would feel good? Watching your club hop a plane back to Winnipeg – where they belong! It doesn’t matter how your team did, or will ever do, in the playoffs, you shouldn’t even have a team. The Arizona desert is for sand and scorpions, not hockey.
Conference Semis – here we come!