Last night, The Golf Channel aired the debut of “Donald J. Trump’s Fabulous World of Golf.” Perhaps you saw it. The lead-up promos made it come off as a modern-day, golf-oriented “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.” But even Robin Leach couldn’t have stomached the s–t that was dished up over this hour-long torture-fest.
The show began with Trump making the brash statement (does he make any other kind?) that he really loved the old Shell’s Wonderful World of Golf, but he thought it should have been match play (rather than medal play). The original Shell series ran from 1962 through 1970, then was resurrected from 1994-2003. The series went virtually everywhere on the planet, pitting two great players (primarily men, but occasionally women), in a head-to-head, 18-hole stroke-play competition. Of course, stroke play guarantees that each match will reach the 18th hole.
I guess that little morsel of fact escaped old Donald MegaMouth as he decided that the debut episode would feature former NFL players, and Hall-of-Famers, Lawrence Taylor and Jerry Rice.
There were several reasons to absolutely love the original Shell series. The scenery was almost always spectacular. The players were, at the time of their match, either at the peak of their careers, or legends of the game. And they were hosted by “The Squire,” Gene Sarazen, whose final-round, 235-yard, four-wood double eagle at the 1935 Masters brought him notoriety until the day he died. And winning the career grand slam didn’t hurt Sarazen’s credibility either.
So, let’s compare. Trump’s match was shot in Florida, at Trump’s International Golf Club in Palm Beach. At one point, someone triumphantly pointed out that they were standing “…on the highest point in Florida.” Wow! That’s amazing! Strike one.
Former 49ers receiver Jerry Rice has a decent-enough golf swing. Not too hard to watch. Lawrence Taylor, on the other hand, looks like a spastic lumberjack weilding an out-of-balance axe. Not pretty. Not pretty to watch. And the soaking-wet cigar sticking out of his mouth was just disgusting. No serious golfer would ever play like that. Strike two.
And Trump decided to insert himself in the Sarazen role. Are you kidding? Trump’s most impactful statement came as the players walked off the 17th green. Taylor had just given Rice a must-make, three-footer, leaving Taylor 1-up with one to play. When LT gave Rice the putt, Trump bellowed, “I couldn’t believe it.” More proof that Donald J. is simply a buffoon with some money – and hardly any knowledge of the nuances of the game.
At Trump’s side was a blonde named Blair O’Neal. She was off-handedly introduced as a “golfer,” but it appears her most recent claim to fame is appearing at Playboy’s Super Bowl party simply wearing body paint.
Blair’s role was a big one. She got to announce how long each hole was and to what par it was playing! Wow, what television!
On this show, the only thing flying higher than Trump’s ego was the waistband on his pants. Perhaps a red nose and giant shoes would have completed the outfit.
I watched the whole hour and can’t imagine there’d be more manure on a 400-acre pig farm than there was here. Next week, it’s another battle of the titans – comedian George Lopez against former boxer Oscar de la Hoya. I’ll have to rely on friends to learn about the show – because you couldn’t pay me enough to watch it again.